Blame
by Ginny Perry
Summary: Young N is comforted by a stranger named Black. But N cannot comprehend his intentions, and his mind warps the situation into a very bad one. N/Black. WARNING- contains rape and mentions of Ghetsis/N


Okay, so, about this... it is the result of two prompts, insomnia, conflicting drugs, and temporary finals week insanity. I was asked to write something psychological about the breakdown of N's mind as he strove for perfection, and "Ghetsis' abuse has such an affect on preteen N, that N goes out of his way to break someone else." Interesting, but... who? Well, who doesn't love Isshushipping am I right? (I personally do not like N dominating anyone because it seems to OOC, especially Black, but... I guess I made it happen okay...)

Anyway, this fic is mainly N/Black with hints of Ghetsis/N (because it wouldn't be a Ginny fic without it). As usual, it contains rape, mentions of abuse and incest, a dash of violence, and a heaping tablespoon of angst. Stir and serve with white wine.

If you have any requests, I take them happily. Shoot me a message or leave me an anonymous prompt on my Tumblr if you're too embarrassed, haha.

Enjoy~

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><p>N rested his head back against the tree trunk. He had been allowed outside now that he was a preteen, but it did not give him any wider sense of freedom. Still, the warmth of the sun radiating on his skin was slightly comforting. N had sat under the tree to rest his eyes.<p>

He closed them, hearing the breeze rustle the leaves above his head. The wind felt refreshing, cooling his cheeks. N couldn't help but reflect on what had happened just hours before he was sent outside. He couldn't keep his mind on anything else.

N brought a hand to his forearm, running his fingers along fresh nail wounds. Four crescent-shaped scabs lined in a row, a fifth curling its way up the opposite side. The wounds were tender, as was the skin between them.

It had hurt, of course, but they would heal, possibly scar, then slowly fade away. The bruise would lighten, yellow, and disappear. But what brought him the most pain was the sense of shame in it all. That feeling of failure, feeling like you had let yourself and those you cared about down. That resonated through him much more than nails temporarily burrowing themselves into his skin as harsh words were screamed.

He wasn't good enough. He wasn't perfect, no; far from it. A concept so commonly spoke of, but never achieved. N was flawed, he made mistakes. He never said the right thing, never said the words his father had expected. He didn't even _know _what his father expected anymore. Whatever it was, it seemed so unobtainable... but he _couldn't _give up, for the sake of his friends and, he feared, his own life.

N felt a rush to his head as tears started to form under his closed eyelids. It became harder and harder for him to breathe through his nose. N unconsciously began sniffling as he attempted to regain control of his breath and of his emotions. The cold tears running down his cheeks were distracting and made this task increasingly difficult.

"Why are you crying?" N's eyes cracked open and he looked up. There stood a boy, slightly younger in age than him, bent over and staring at him. His face had a look of true concern and curiosity.

"Who are you?" N asked, wiping the tears from his eyes with the back of his sleeve. He half-attempted to hide the fact that he was crying, but he knew the boy had already seen. He feared insult over the fact; he could never shed a tear in front of his father without some sort of reprimand.

"My name's Black!" the child said, a wide, sincere grin washing over his face. "What's yours?" N was slightly confused... why did he care?

"N."

"Is that you whole name?" Black asked, giggling. It seemed so silly to have a single letter for a name.

"I... I think so... is it a bad one?"

"No! It's just funny! I've never met someone with that name." N couldn't help but stare at the strange child standing over him. His face seemed so bright. It was unlike anything he had seen from anyone in his castle. Everyone he ever saw had drab or uncaring expressions... but this boy... there was something about him that just radiated contentment. N was jealous.

"Why are you crying, N?" Black asked again. N sighed, leaning back against the tree again and staring up at the sky hidden through the leaves.

"I'm just... unhappy. I got punished again today, and... I just get so mad at myself for messing up so much." Tears were glistening again in his eyes and he bit his lip. Black knelt down in front of him.

"Don't be sad! I'm sure everything's okay. Even if you messed up, you'll know better for next time! Did you learn your lesson?" Black smiled again, attempting to show the older boy he meant no harm in the last comment.

N stared into the other boy's chocolate eyes for a moment, sensing no hatred or malice. The cheery disposition of Black's frightened him even more than any furied look could. N thought he was mocking him, implying he deserved it. He could almost hear his father uttering those same words, just as he often did, as he left N's room for the countless time. But Ghetsis always sounded so hurtful, so much intent in his voice to scar him... this boy Black was so happy, so honest and genuine...

**How dare he smile at the thought of all the suffering he went through.** N was suddenly so tired of the treatment, so tired of being the weakened one, the one to endure that horrible pain and the years of verbal abuse.

Without warning, N tackled Black onto the ground and they landed in the soft grass with a thud. Black laughed nervously, unsure of whether the older boy was playing with him or being serious. N tightened his grip on the other child's shoulders, wrinkling the light blue fabric of his shirt. Tears began falling from his eyes and splashing onto Black's cheeks.

"How could you say that?" N cried, his face so contorted in his misery, he almost looked in pain.

"H-Huh? I'm sorry, I didn't mean-" N grabbed two fistfuls of the younger child's hair, tangling his fingers in it under he felt the tug of resistance of his scalp. "What are you doing? Let go of me!"

"Why are you allowed to be okay?" N screamed, pulling at Black's locks. Black yelped, bringing his hands to the other boy's wrists, attempting to free himself from his grip. But N only pulled harder, and his scalp began burning. "Why are you allowed to be okay and I am always the one to get in trouble?"

"I don't know!" Black replied as he continued trying to free himself. "Stop! Stop! It's not my fault! Get off me!"

"It's not your fault...?" N loosened his grip momentarily, the words radiating in him. _It's not my fault_. Such familiar words...

_"It's not my fault I didn't come back in time! Zorua ran out into the woods and I had to go catch her!"_

_"It's not your fault, you say...?" A large hand gripped the front of his shirt, yanking him towards the man. "Why must you put the blame on others for your weaknesses? It's pathetic, child, and I will not have it." His other reached for the waistband of his pants, and his body stiffened as fear overcame every aching muscle in his body. "You must realize that you earn everything you receive."_

"I deserve... _you _deserve... you deserve everything that happens to you!" With all his strength, N tore Black's head up by his hair, then forcefully shoved it back to the ground. The boy saw stars, his vision darkening momentarily. He began crying, the mixture of pain and terror almost reflexively trigger the tears.

"I hate you!" N screamed at him, swinging a fist into Black's cheek. He was not strong, but his size gave him a clear advantage. As his hand met the other boy's cheekbone, Black turned to his side, clutching his bruised face.

"What did I do?" Black cried out. His voice was no longer cheery, as it had been before; no, N heard that twinge of terror that often plagued his own voice. He could almost feel the child's fear in an empathetic sort of way... it was such a common emotion in him. Black was suddenly him; **the perfect, happy N that he could never achieve. The N his father wanted him to be. The N he loathed, the one he'd curse as Ghetsis violated his sense of security and intimacy. **

"Why weren't you there to stop it? Why couldn't you save me?" His tears fell harder now, mixing with Black's as they dripped off his jaw line and onto the younger boy's face.

"I'm sorry!" Black had no idea _what _he was talking about or what he had done to upset the boy so much, but he just wanted to be free. He was willing to say anything to him if it meant release from this harrowing situation. He had just met N, yet he swore he could feel the intent to kill him coming from his touches, as if he had wronged him terribly.

"Why didn't you stop him from-" N froze, an expression of realization washing over him. **He will pay. He will get everything I endured. It's not fair, it's not fair, it's not fair, it's not fair why couldn't you defend me, why wouldn't you prevent all that unbearable pain that could've been stopped if you just would've-**

N buried his face in the younger boy's neck, sucking and nibbling at the flesh. Black flinched and cried out.

"What are you doing?" he cried, a wave of pleasure rippling through him, still so foreign to the child.

"You'll get what you deserve," N said into his ear as one of his hands quickly ran its way down his chest to Black's shorts. "You could've made this all go away. It's your fault, and you need to know what I _endured_ because of you!" He began yanking at the closure, pulling so hard that threads tore and a button snapped off.

Black panicked and began screaming, suddenly realizing the older boy's intentions to hurt him. He began squirming, kicking and thrashing desperately, attempting with as much strength as he could bear. But N was much bigger than he was. He was just skin and bone, but his height posed quite an issue, giving him a clear advantage.

N fumbled with the zipper, the contorting body under him making the task increasingly difficult. But he was determined. He had never done this before, but he had enough experience on the other side to know how this happens. A small piece of him told him to stop, that this was wrong. _Why would you do this when you know how horrible it is?_

But his lust for revenge was too great. N thought about all those times that he had been hurt like this, and began seriously blaming Black for it. That small voice of reason had been silenced. **It was Black's fault. He caused this. The sleepless nights of anticipation, the nightmares, that horrible sick feeling in his stomach every time he heard the door to his room open and shut... the urges to tear his hair out when those flashbacks riddled his mind with scenarios and his body with phantom touches... why would you let this happen?**

Dodging kicks to his head, N removed the boy's shorts and boxers in one yank. He looked down at Black's half-hard member and the voice of reason returned again. _Don't do this. Why would you want to hurt him? He was only trying to help you. He means you no harm. He just wanted to cheer you up, and instead you repay him by assaulting him?_

N shook his head, trying to remove the thoughts from his head. Holding Black down with the inside surface of his forearm, he unzipped his own pants with his free hand. N began stroking himself into an erection. _Something is wrong... Ghetsis never had to do this..._

Black was screaming nearly incomprehensible pleas, but N was not listening. He was too busy fighting the feelings in his chest and the thoughts that continued to plague him. He was able to focus for a split second; enough to line himself up with where he had learned would cause the younger boy so much agonizing pain.

N pushed against him with as much strength as he could, which turned out to be enough. He ripped into the younger child, tearing through muscle and rupturing blood vessels. He didn't think he had ever heard anyone scream so loud.

Black's reddened face was covered in tears, his eyes shut and his features twisted in unbearable agony. He was too young to know what was happening, so he assumed N was trying to murder him. This is what death felt like, waves of this _excruciating _pain; he held his breath and half-hoped he would just die, just so the suufering would cease...

He began moving in him, his body so tight around him, it was almost uncomfortable. With every thrust he made, a small wave of pleasure shot through his nerves, but he could not focus on the feeling. N could not stop attempting to justify this. He wanted to be committed so desperately, just like how committed he felt his father always was. Ghetsis seemed to never give it a second thought; he knew what he was doing, he knew what the goal was. He had no second guesses in his mind. At least, that is what N took from how incredibly violent and forceful he always was.

Blood had coated the front of his pelvis, the chill of it sending the thoughts riling in him again. _He's bleeding, listen to him scream! He's hurting! You're hurting him! Stop this! This doesn't feel right! _

"Please, stop! Stop!"

**No, no... it's **_**his **_**fault. He was mocking you. He thinks your pain is a joke. Did you seriously believe he actually cared that you were upset? **

"It hurts, N! Please-!"

**He's a human like those Ghetsis warned you about... they want to earn your trust, then hurt you... **

"Please...!"

_...just like..._

"Stop!"

_...daddy..._

N froze. Black did not stop his wailing, his face hidden in the crease of his elbow as tears soaked into his sleeve. The sound of his cries snapped him back into reality. N pulled out of him slowly, but after leaving his body, he still did not move.

Black took the opportunity to bring his knees to his chest and wrap his arm around them, groaning at the shot of discomfort that rippled through him. The action was automatic. He felt slightly comforted by his own embrace.

"I'm... I'm sorry..." N whispered, bringing his hands to his face. "I'm so... sorry..." He too began to cry, a surge of different emotions overcoming him at once. He was so afraid, so ashamed, so embarrassed, so... much of a failure... **You couldn't even successfully break him. You can't do anything without ruining your plans.**

N stood up and retrieved the boy's discarded clothing. He folded them and placed them next to his head. Black was lying in the grass, still curled up, still sobbing.

"I'm sorry, Black... please... please forgive me..." N turned around, zipping up his bloodiest pants, and slowly walked away. He left the younger child there alone under the shade of the tree.

_**All he wanted to do was help you.**_

_**You are a monster, just like daddy.**_


End file.
